


I Wonder If We Ever Think Of Each Other At The Same TIme

by butterflysandbullets



Category: MorMor - Fandom, Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Depression, Getting Back Together, M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Oxford, Reunion, University, mentions of instutionaliztion, mentions of mental health issues, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 13:59:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4394585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterflysandbullets/pseuds/butterflysandbullets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian and Jim have been apart for over a year. This is their version of how they reunited in a place that neither of them intended to see each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wonder If We Ever Think Of Each Other At The Same TIme

**Author's Note:**

> A continuation from the real life letter role play that inspired this universe. Sebastian and Jim meet up for the first time since their fated night in Dublin. Told in tandem from their points of view.
> 
> As always please follow us on tumblr at:
> 
> butterflysandbullets.tumblr.com
> 
> Special thanks to our wonderful beta and brit picker Mormortrash. You rock!
> 
> Follow her at http://mormortrash.tumblr.com/  
> and http://archiveofourown.org/users/StartingWithTheRidingCrop/works

I had been at Oxford a month. I could have had the whole single room, privileged legacy thing, but I opted to have a roommate in a double suite and live like a normal person. I was finally at a point in my life where I was almost anonymous. Almost no one at university knew that I am Lord Moran’s son and heir to the Moran fortune and titles but all of that matters little right now.  
My roommate was a rugby player and he had other friends on campus from their previous school. It was nice suddenly being around people who hadn’t been at school with me for the last ten years or that didn’t know me. I could take the time to reinvent myself some. Stop being the snobby school boy and be more… well, me. And who was I? That was a hard thing to answer.  
I was just beginning to function outside of the cloud of despair that had settled over me the previous year. I hadn’t forgotten the man that I loved. Not in the slightest. I was still trying to figure out a way to get to Dublin, if nothing else, but to see him. I had wrote several letters since I had arrived at Oxford to the hospital where Jim had been inquiring about seeing him but I had not received any replies. However, a change of scenery and having freedom again lightened my mood most of the time.  
It was a bright and clear October day a Saturday. My roommate and I were on our way across campus to meet up with a few of the other lads from the Rugby team. We were going to get some food and then maybe play a bit on the pitch. I had been walking with my head down, as it had become my habit since… My thigh was aching a bit from the bad night I had the night before and I was worried that running and being tackled on the pitch would open the wound up again. My roommate was chattering on about something, I honestly couldn’t tell you what but I heard him clearly say, 

“Shite. He’s brought his roommate. Some smart arse Irish bloke. Thinks he’s smarter than everyone else.” My gaze drifted up and there he was. Standing no more than thirty meters from me. After eighteen months, the love of my life was there. Right there.   
My feet felt rooted to the ground for a passing moment. Three heartbeats, that is three heartbeats after my heart started beating again, and I was off. Running as if my life depended on it. I reached him in no time, grabbed him by the upper arms. I looked in his eyes for one more heartbeat and kissed him. I kissed him like a hungry man ate at the king’s table. I kissed him with my whole being. I only stopped when I needed air and couldn’t resist pulling him in for a hug, pressing my body against his.  
“Jim.” my lips whispered the word and it felt as if everything I had ever held dear was suddenly in my hands and I was beyond thrilled. 

It had been a long year for me...I had thought for the longest time I would spend the rest of my life in that hospital. It had been a lonely experience, though I had to admit it had been better than it had been when I had been a small child. The bastard I called father hadn't wanted to deal with a grief stricken child, so he had me treated when I was young. I owed a lot to the nurse that had let me have that one last phone call with Sebastian and to Ashling...Ashling who had disappeared nearly three months ago. But that was normal for her. I knew she'd find me again..after all I would always be her favorite minion.

I can’t say how ecstatic I was when learned I was smart enough to get the scholarships for Oxford. For Oxford! It meant I got out of Ireland and far far away from da and the memories...both good and bad, just like I had always dreamed of doing. I will admit I could have gotten a private dorm...after all I am a genius, but it wasn't worth the extra cost and the doctor refused to release me from all care completely unless I agreed to spend the first year at uni with a roommate. He also hinted at the fact it wouldn't cost as much as well...he clearly thought I'm not smart enough to keep up with all the academics I had to do to keep my scholarships. Not that it really mattered. I knew I was going to have to work hard to take care of everything else.

So, it was a good thing I was used to manual labor, unlike many of my fellow students. It was stupid listening to them day in and day out complain about not being able to party or do certain things because of work. I found my job to be so much easier than working at that old hotel. In fact, my employers were more than impressed with me. They hadn't been so sure at first sight but after almost a month and hearing nothing but compliments for my work...well...if it kept up I'd get a raise and a promotion. Something I only ever dreamed of happening back home.

Home...it wasn't really home...it was a place where my mother was buried.Where what was left of her family lived. Where that bastard whose DNA I shared still lived. I often wondered how long it would take him to drown himself in booze and debt.

The time in the hospital was horrible , they had tried a few of their old techniques on me and far too many new ones that were just as scary. It took them a while to figure out medications that worked for me and I hadn't had an episode in a bit. I still had bad days and good ones, but not every day was a bad one. And today was one of them, a good one. It was the only reason I was outside the dorm and not at the library listening to my roommate prattle on.

My room mate...while average and seemingly what most would consider a nice guy, he always attempted to get me involved in other things besides studying. He at least was understanding about my, well... habits. He had his own. I was both pissed and relieved that they placed me in a dorm with someone similar to me. Well with mental illness, that is. It allowed us both a bit of freedom of being treated badly because of our proclivities. He put up with my moods and I put up with his excessive cleaning. I never had my clothes dry cleaned before. But he had this weird thing about laundry and so long as he was willing to pay for it...I let him have his way.

It wasn't a shock that on this good day he had managed to talk me out of the dorms to go hang out with a few of his friends from the rugby team. He prevented me from being bullied by some of them and I made sure he focused for classes, it was a symbiotic relationship.

I was listening to him talk and go on about what was going to happen. It was a nice day so I was dressed in a pair of jeans, trainers (brand new something else I wasn't use to but I had a job so I could afford them) and a very soft dark blue sheep jumper that had been a gift from my nurse when I told her I was leaving for Oxford.

I was trying not to laugh at how ridiculous he was acting when I looked up and I was sure I was seeing things...I had to be. There before me...was...

“Sebastian.” I breathed out softly before I found myself in a bone crushing hold as I was kissed for the first time in over a year. ”Sebastian.” I said again my voice shook as he hugged me tight, unable to keep myself from returning it. 

I grabbed Jim and kissed him again, amazed at having him close once more. I had forgotten about my roommate and the others around us. I wasn’t sure about Jim’s reaction to my mauling him in public. I turned on my heel and looked at my roommate.   
“Sorry, mate.” I said, not quite being able to control my grin. “I… I just… yeah.” I ran my hand up the back of neck and realized that I had not let Jim go at all.  
I turned back to Jim and gave him my full smile. “You want to get out of here?” I asked him. He answered me and I made some sort of vague hand gesture at my roommate and the rest of the lads before Jim and I set off walking down the path away from campus.  
I had no idea where we were going, but I wanted to get away from everyone I knew. I wanted to spend every moment I could with Jim. We walked for a bit before I noticed a lovely bench under a tree and gestured for him to sit with me. I was still in shock that he was there with me. I sat down on the bench and pulled out a cigarette. I rolled it between my fingers before turning my head a bit.

“I don’t know where to start.” I whispered. “I honestly have been trying to find you for over a month now. I….I’ve written letters to the hospital. Asking to come visit you.” I put my cigarette in between my lips and lit it, cupping one hand around the flame. I looked at Jim properly. “ You… I…. I can’t believe you are here.”  
I sat back against the hardwood of the bench and drew the smoke into my lungs. I let it out through my nose and ran my hand across my thigh and thought about the tight scars that littered their surface. I didn’t want Jim to think of me as weak and I was thankful that I didn’t have to think about that again… at least for a while.  
“You are in Trinity College then? What did you finally end up reading? When did you get here? I… I’m asking too many questions, aren’t I?” I muttered after a few minutes. I closed my eyes and took a long drag on my cigarette. He was patient with my questions and asked me several of his own. It seemed in some ways that we hadn’t lost anytime at all between us, but in others, it seemed as if we had been apart for a lifetime.  
I kept thinking to myself, that I was head over heels in love with the man sitting next to me and as happy as I was about that, I had only spent one single night with him. One of the best nights of my life, of course, but it was only one night. And a handful of letters. I wasn’t sure that this was the proper thing to be involved in but I didn’t care one bit. I was in love with this man and I wanted to be wherever he was and he was currently sitting next to me on a bench in the middle of Oxfordshire, a long way from where we both started.

I tried very hard to control my breathing the moment the other pulled away. I ignored the way my roommate stared and then smirked as Sebastian suggested we go somewhere else. 

“Yea...that sounds good.” I managed to get out of my mouth after a moment before letting him lead me away. It was hard to believe...Sebastian...My Sebastian was here. I knew he had talked about going to Oxford, but I never thought I would see him. I just...I was lost in my thoughts and the warmth of his hand holding mine. That warmth had started to spread up my arm and throughout my whole body. Once we were seated on the bench, I reluctantly pulled my hand into my lap and watch him pull out his cigarettes. I couldn’t keep my eyes off his hands and I barely managed to focus on his words. I was so happy. It was unreal. 

“I don’t either...and...well most likely..they didn’t like visitors at the hospital unless it was family.” I muttered. “It’s better you didn’t...I couldn’t...you didn’t need to see me like that.” I added softly before clearing my throat.   
“I know I...it was a shock when I got the acceptance letter. I had worked hard to make sure I could attend any university. I applied here mostly in hopes of seeing you again. Silly, but it was a small hope and it is one of the best schools. I am..I am studying the stars and math like I told you I would. Double majoring, it’s how I’m affording my dorms and everything right now. That and working my arse off. I bet you still don’t have to do that.” I added the last part in a tease as I leaned against him just to feel the warmth spreading across me again. “I missed you..” I said softly, almost wanting to cry.

Jim’s warmth and body pressed against mine, took my brain off line once more that day. I was more than shocked he was here and I didn’t know how to react. I wanted to do a million things at once, but I was nervous and scared. Very scared. Suddenly every bad thought I had of the way he saw us or saw me was skittering across the open plains of my mind. And I was terrified that I would lose him again.  
“Jim.” I said softly, almost a keening sigh. I stamped out my cigarette and with much hesitation put my arm around him, drew him closer. I wasn’t sure how much of what I was doing was wanted and I wasn’t sure how to begin to ask. My usual cockiness was replaced with nerves and anxiety.  
“ Is this alright?” I asked after a moment.

“Yes.” I answered as I pressed even closer to him more than happy when he pulled me closer to him. It felt so good to be near him again. In my dreams I had felt his warmth. Every time I had thought my world would end, the memory of him made it bearable. I knew he might not react well to the the episodes. I had imagined him and he hadn’t really been there. “I...I did miss you and well, I’m going to assume for that spectacular reaction you had of seeing me for the first time, that you missed me as well.” I couldn’t help but tease again as I tilted my head up and gave him a half smile. “So darling..did you miss me?”

“Um… yeah. Sorry about that. I couldn’t help myself.” I answered, feeling bashful and looking at my feet. I was wearing the same damn boots that I was wearing that night in Dublin. “I did miss you. Every minute of every day since… I…” I couldn’t say another word. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with every emotion all at once. Fear. Trepidation. Love. Anger. Heartache. I wasn’t sure which one was which and I didn’t care that much. I was just happy I was feeling something again. But I did know that it would be better if things went one way or another. Right then and there. We were at a crossroads and I needed to know which path I was to tread. With or without him.  
I turned my head towards him and gave him a shy smile. “I would like…” I started, my nerves getting the better of me. I swallowed hard and tried again. “I would like to kiss you. I’ve missed kissing you.” I finally said, my voice barely audible in the autumn air.

I just smiled and leaned up giving him a look. “You don’t think it’s a little late to ask when you’ve already done it?” I couldn’t help but tease before I moved up and pressed my lips to his. I had missed them. The feel of warmth spread from him as I shifted my arms to wrap around his neck only pulling back after a moment. “And darling, yes you may kiss me. As often as you can and want, which at this point I don’t think I could ask you to stop until I can’t breathe.”

I leaned into his kiss and tried to hold back. Hold back all the missed kisses that I had wanted to bestow upon him since leaving him in the storage room in the dank Dublin hotel. However, his lips moving with mine and the small nips of his teeth cause my resolve to waver and I found one of my hands grabbing the back of his head and my fingers threading into his hair. My other hand pulled at his hip to bring us closer together. My mouth traced the line of his jaw and across to his ear. I stilled my lips for a moment, breathing in the scent of him. It was the same as in my memory, but sharper and more real. I was becoming drunk from it. I let my breath trace the shell of his ear before I spoke.  
“I’ve missed you so much Jim. And… every word… every word I have ever said to you is true. I… I…” I stuttered for a moment, wanting to spill the words that I hadn’t said to anyone in almost a year. But I wanted to tell him again. For him to hear it from my mouth. “I love you.” I whispered. I kissed the skin below his ear and repeated it a bit louder this time. “I love you, Jim.” I rested my head on his shoulder and waited for his response. Unsure if he was staying or leaving. And if he was leaving, I wanted one last memory of him in my arms.

“I missed you so much too...I..Seb..Sebastian.. I love you too..I love you so much.” I said my voice hoarse and barely there. I was sure he hadn’t heard me but I would repeat it over and over again until he knew those words and I was sure they were burned into his mind. I didn’t want him to ever forget and I never wanted to forget either. “I love you Sebastian Moran. And I’m not letting you go ever again, do you understand me?” I managed to get out as I held tighter to him.

My mother loved opera. She often told me that the painful aria’s of the lead soprano were the most tragically beautiful things in the world. And that the words they uttered weren’t as important as the way it was sung. She often mused that a good performer could sing the phone book and it would still be beautiful. I agreed at the time, never understanding.  
Until that day. Until Jim’s confession in my ear was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. I slowly raised my head and found his eyes with mine, the edges of my vision blurred with tears. I gave him a smile, one that I hadn’t given anyone in a long time. I felt as if I was staring into the sun and I nodded before I pressed in and captured his lips with mine again. 

I smiled and sank into the kiss. I would be happy to never kiss anyone else again. I could die happy. This. Was. It. Finally, I pulled away panting against him, just happy to be held in his arms and warm.   
“I’m going to have to thank that idiot for dragging me out of the dorm.” I said mostly to myself. “I..gods..I had planned a thousand things I wanted to say to you the next time I saw you..now I can’t think of a fecking thing.” I told him as I used my thumb to wipe away some of his tears. 

I laughed at his murmur and leaned into his touch on my face. “I’ll make sure he’s thanked. He’s been trying to get with a friend of mine for weeks now. I’ll tell her to make his night in exchange for my black hoodie she’s always trying to steal. It’ll be worth it. But right now, I want to go somewhere with you. I don’t care where. Just.. I … I want to hide away with you for as long as I can.” I shook my head. “And it’s not that, Jim. Please. I hope you know that I just… I want to sit and hold you and just… just drink you in. Learn you. Know you. And I can’t do that here. Besides, I am….” I was suddenly laughing at my own foolishness. “I’m hungry. We were on our way to eat. You want to grab something to eat? And then…. we can do whatever you want. If you want to do something with me, that is.” I was still very unsure if I was wanted. It was surreal.

I couldn’t help but laugh softly. “That’s actually how he convinced me to leave the dorm. I’m actually in the mood for food.” I told him. “So..lets find something to eat. Find out what we missed about each other and maybe later...we can go to your dorm or mine. I’m sure they’ll be out all night.” I couldn’t help but add with a flirty smile. I really didn’t want sex...but I wanted to feel his skin against mine. Holding me and making me feel warm again in ways I hadn’t felt in years.

I nodded my head to it all and stood up from the bench, extending my hand out to him. I waited until he grabbed onto mine before pulling him into a hug. I wanted one moment of his body pressed against mine. “My Irish angel… here. I still… I’m still in shock.” I said before kissing the top of his head and squeezing him once more before we set off in search of food.  
~  
I opened the door to my suite and stepped inside, grateful that my time at Eton ingrained in me habits of having a neat space. My roommate was good at keeping the common area cleaner than his own room and as long as the door was shut to his space, I didn’t care. I dropped my jacket on the sofa and kicked off my boots. I turned to Jim and smiled. “My room is the one on the left. The loo isn’t too bad, I hope. But we can just sit here for a while and talk some more. I could put some music on. Or a movie. Or… whatever you want.” I said, shifting my weight from foot to foot. I was a bit nervous to be honest. I just wanted to hold him again. Hold his slight weight against me.

“It’s whatever you want to do.” I replied kicking off the trainers next to his boots. “I’d like to talk some more. Especially since you won’t have a mouthful full of food this time.” I couldn’t help but tease as I leaned against him much more interested in him than really picking some silly music or movie to watch. Not that I had ever watch a lot of them to begin with. “It’s nice..much nicer than mine. So I’m sure if your roommate doesn’t care, you and I can spend more time here than at mine.” I told him as I took his hand and threaded our fingers together.

“We can spend as much time here as you want.” I offered, smiling at his touch. I lifted his finely boned hand to my mouth and kissed his knuckles before dropping them back to our sides. I gently lead him to the sofa and sat down, arranging it so my back was against the arm of the sofa and he was sitting between my long legs and his back was nestled against my chest. I wrapped my arms around him and kept our fingers twisted together. “And as I recall, you weren’t exactly without food in your mouth when you spoke either.” I teased back, a smile and a little laugh in my voice. “But I don’t care. I… I’m just so happy you are here.” I said as I hugged him tighter against me.

“I- at least didn’t try to spout full ballads of poetry while my mouth was open.” I couldn’t help but tease as I leaned against him. It was so strange to be warm again when I hadn’t been for so long. “I just..gods..I can’t believe this is real.” I muttered as I leaned back and looked up at him with a smile. “So my darling knight..what shall we do now? Since you’ve whisked me away from the evil doings of our roommates and their girlfriends, and fed me?”

I chuckled a bit and leaned down to kiss his forehead. “I have loads of ideas.” I said with a smirk. “However, I don’t think that I will act on half of them until you are ready, my love. I… I just want to be with you. Hold you and I… I don’t really know. I’ve dreamt of this for so long, I’m at a bit of a loss. I never thought about what we would do once we were at this point. I… I have to admit, I always imagined us on the run from someone or something. Just moving. Constantly moving and hiding. I… I never imagined it would be as simple as walking across the quad, seeing you and taking you into my arms.” I felt foolish for admitting it, but there was something about having him here, that sent all my normal conversational filters on holiday. “What would you like to do?”

“I..I always thought the next time I saw you, you’d have some pretty guy… or girl on your arm. You wouldn’t remember one silly pathetic fling in Dublin.” I admitted softly as I cuddled closer to him. It had been the scenario the doctors had fed me over and over again when they realized I had someone on the outside. A male someone. Which Catholics and all that didn’t help matters. I didn’t want to think about that. To think of those people that hurt me and the others in that place. “I didn’t expect to see you. Nor did I expect to nearly be tackled and snogged until I couldn’t breath.”

I ducked my head a bit sheepishly. “Yeah. Sorry about that again. I… I couldn’t help myself. You…” I couldn’t really finish the sentence. Not that I wasn’t able, but there were so many things I wanted to say and I was still feeling a bit off. Like I was sitting in a dream. And I was waiting for the other shoe to fall. “Honestly,” I started, softer this time. “I hoped and wished and dreamed that I would see you again. But there is a very small part of me… that little voice in the back of my head that kept telling me that I… I… would fail. And I’m still scared that you will leave.”

“I’m not leaving. I have no where to go. The only people I would see back in Ireland aren’t there.” I replied shaking my head. “And besides you are here, and that’s more than I could ever want out of life. At least, if I died today I would die happy since I know you still love me and want me.” I felt some tears starting to fall and I rubbed my eyes. “Don’t leave me again. I’ll die without you. I almost didn’t make it the first time without you, and you sounded...your last letter...gods I wanted to sob and freak thinking something bad had happened to you and I wouldn’t find you again.”

“I meant every word.” I mumbled, shifting a bit so that I was lower on the sofa and turned him around so he was laying on top of me. I stroked the side of his face with the back of my hand and smiled. “I do love you and I do want you.” I said before moving a bit closer. Our mouths were only a breath apart and as much as I wanted to kiss him, I also wanted to let him make the next move. I wanted Jim to set the pace of how things continued between us at this point. I knew that if I was to give into my instincts, I would take without consideration, and I never wanted to hurt Jim in the ways he had been hurt already. 

I couldn’t help but kiss him back, so happy to be there and kissing him again. Reality was so much better than dreams and always would be. I held tightly to Seb and pressed closer to him. “Seb..” I said against his lips as I kissed harder and more passionate. Again I only pulled away when we needed to catch our breaths. “That..yeah I missed that.” I said laughing softly. 

I panted for a moment and smiled. “Jim…” I answered, my voice growing deeper and more rough with each passing moment. I was full of need and want, but I also wanted to spend time with him, getting to know the man I didn’t have time to know before… before we were separated. “Can you excuse me for a moment?” I asked, shifting myself out from under him. I crossed the room and grabbed my cigarettes. I walked into my bedroom, the one place that I could smoke in the suite and sat on the edge of my bed, trying to regulate my breathing and control my hormones a bit before I did something I would regret.

I sat there confused when Sebastian walked away but I used the time to catch my breath and pull one of the pillows from the sofa into my arms. I couldn’t believe...I needed to control myself. I didn’t not want to just...’oh feck it’ I thought to myself. I wanted sex so damn bad. Especially with someone I wanted and not just someone who was using me during my drugged up state...feck...well that thought had killed my erection. It took me a moment to calm down as well. I was trying not to panic. God I knew I shouldn’t think of Ireland. No one was there for me...no one who cared. Everyone had left when they could. Finally I was calmer. “Seb?” 

I heard Jim call my name and I looked up to see where he was. I gave him a weak smile and answered. “Sorry. I just needed a minute. You can come here if you want.” I offered, trying to get him to see that I was trying to calm myself and that I was still here if he needed me. 

“Are you sure?” I couldn’t help but ask, not wanting to intrude if he needed the space. “Seb..do you want me to leave?” 

“No.” I said, a little more forcefully than I intended. “I..I just needed to calm down. I…. I… I don’t want to do anything before you are ready.” I stuttered out. I shifted on my bed. “Please… Jim…. come here.” I asked, trying to control the panic that was setting into my voice a bit at the idea he might leave. I don’t think I could handle it if he had. I stubbed out my cigarette and waited to see what he would do.

“I..okay.” I said entering the room and moving over to Sebastian. I sat down on the bed next to him. “I just..I get it. I really want to make you happy and I’m worried that you..I’m sorry..I’m probably making this worse and not better..I missed you and I do understand that you need space..I just.” I sighed and stopped talking. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. 

“You just what?” I asked, squeezing his hand in return. “I… I want you. It’s that simple. I want to strip you down, relearn every inch of you and make you come apart with me. But I am trying not… I… I don’t want our entire relationship to based upon sex. And I… I sure as hell don’t want to force you to do anything you aren’t ready for. I… I can wait. I’ll wait five years if that’s what you need. But… I… I may need to leave your immediate space for a few minutes now and again. I don’t care what we have… as long as we are together.” I shut my mouth with a snap. I realized that I sounded like an idiot and I wasn’t sure that I said the right thing. I wasn’t sure if Jim even wanted a relationship with me.  
“Jim…. can I ask you something?”

“I want you to touch me..I want to feel your hands all over me.” I said pressing a kiss to Seb’s cheek as I leaned against him. “Sebastian you know you can ask anything of me. I’ll answer..and it won’t be based on sex..think about it. We wrote all those letters and we still want each other. We still want a connection with each other. I doubt you can say or ask or do anything that could ever make me not want you.”

I sat stunned for a moment. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to ask anymore, Jim’s little speech seemed to put all my fears to rest…. for the moment. I turned my head and looked at him and decided that I still needed to ask something of him at that moment.  
“Jim… my angel.” I started as I pressed my hand to his cheek. “I… I want to do nothing more right now than to slowly undress you and let you erase any bad memories you may have with good ones. Can I…. may I… I want to do that for you. Will you let me?” I asked, my eyes watching his dark ones for a sign.

“Of course my love..you can do as much as you want.” I said relieved that maybe he wanted me. “But..I have to warn you..I..I had..I’ve..there are lots of new scars.” I admitted softly. “I’m not..I just..I need..I need to know you’ll still love me after you see me..”

I sighed deeply and stood up from the bed. I undid the fly of my jeans and let them fall to the floor. I shifted the longer legs of my boxers up and stood in the light just so that Jim could see my thighs. The hundreds of little white marks that now littered the insides of the delicate tissue. I let my hand reach for the current white cotton that was covering my left one and peeled it back showing him my most recent creation. I sucked in a small breath and gave him a weak smile.   
“You aren’t the only one with wounds from this battle, darling. And… I will never stop loving you. No matter what your skin looks like. I’m.. I’m more afraid of the scars on the inside than out.”

“Oh darling.” I said as I stroked my hands across his thighs. I stood up and pulled my clothes off slowly. I showed him the new lash marks and burns that had scarred across my skin. Some of them were still healing, others turned into ugly shaped marks that decorated my skin adding to the scars I had before. “I love you, not your skin..and yet you see my skin is … you’re beautiful compared to me.” 

I shuddered as Jim traced his hands across my thighs. I watched as he pulled off his clothes, momentarily stunned at the cruelty that had been enacted against him. But the scars themselves were…. beautiful. perhaps mention something about how they were beautiful because it showed he had survived what he had been through instead of simply saying beautiful I found my fingers tracing their lines and I reached up to set him on the bed. I wanted to taste each one. “You are beautiful.” I whispered in awe. “I… I love you so much, Jim. I…. I just want to feel your skin on mine. I… I want you against me. You… god… what did I ever do to have you in my life?” I asked, my lips finding their way to his and kissing him deeply.

“I ask myself that same question every day. You made it possible for me to survive.” I said as I leaned into his touch and kissed him back. I missed the feeling. “I love you.” I breathed against his lips as I pressed myself closer to him. The feeling of his warm skin against mine was amazing. “Seb..please. I need you.” I begged softly. 

I laid back against my pillows, my bed really two narrow for two grown men, but it was all we had at the moment. I had considered packing us both up and heading to a hotel for the weekend, and wouldn’t that have been ironic.   
But in the end, I couldn’t resist the siren’s call of Jim and we were curled around each other now, sated and just relishing in the feel of his skin on mine. I was still running my fingers over every bit that I could reach, feather light touches and I was drunk on him.  
“I… I’ve missed you so much.” I murmured in my half awake, half asleep state. I still couldn’t believe that he was here with me and that I had just come as close to heaven as I thought I ever would.

“I missed you to.” I muttered sleepily as I cuddled closer to him. “Hmm you..felt good..amazing.” I couldn’t help but say with a sleepy smile and yawn. “Nap now..you’ll make me feel good again later..I expect that to happen again..and then we are going to talk some more okay?” I was surprised managed that much speech before blinking up sleepily at the other. 

I nodded slightly, leaning down to give Jim a lazy kiss before drifting off to sleep, my arms full of the man I loved.

**Author's Note:**

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